Hey. Today is 7th April. YES! FCKING APRIL! I dont hate April but heish time flies so fast and I hate to know that result UPU and matriks are like next month (!!) I rlly want to get out of this house and jauh dari family but at the same time, I want to stay do. :(
So, here is my problem. My fear. I dont know if I do have a lot of fear or I just made up all those so I wont be too brave and confident and feels better. I dont know how to explain and put into words and thats why I'm fucked up rn.
OK lets try. I actually fear of people forgetting me. Klako kan? but its real do. I dont hate people leaving me but I am scared if one day I'll be forgotten by everyone. I mean like people left me quite often actually. I JUST REALISED THAT THO. So, everytime I look back then I realise that we (me and whoever) dont talk anymore and be a total strangers. I'm not blaming him/her, but I dont know la, I had this feeling which I'm the type of person that easily forgotten. This is why I felt a bit lonely, well not a bit, A LOT. and that depressed me. I have no one to talk abt my peribadi life yknow. and that's why I'm not the type of speak more eventho I have a lot of things to speak out. So yeah! I tend to sleep late and hug myself at 3am and crying and think what I've done wrong and what I shoulve done. I tell you, THAT SUCKS.
Well, ((yang ni saja cerita)) by the end of June. My jiran will pindah and maybe by that time I'm also going to Uni ady who knows rite. Honestly, I am sad. WHY? because I've been with my jiran since 2005. and yes this kid, Dhiaulhaq, my mom babysitting him since dalam pantang lagi and now he's 10 y/0. I'm so close to him I mean like dia suka lepak dalam my bilik everyday after dia balik sekolah. and I'll shout at him hahaha. And last year is crazy. Last year SPM ok, mood mana stabil. Dia gi buat bising dalam bilik masa study and obviously mana tak mengamuk. Countless times I shout at him and cubit dia well now I felt bad and sad. hahaha. I will miss him, of course but... yes. I'm scared he might forget me one day. Yknow bebudak kan, susah nak ingat orang. but lets redha. I'm used to it tho.
Okay next! aktiviti lasak. I do love those kind of activities yknow. Everytime I watch on TV people skydiving, play flying fox and others, I HAVE THIS URGE THAT I ALSO WANT TO DO THOSE! but when I have the chance to do that like flying fox then I freak out. Eventho I've done that couple times, I'll set my mind to be scared. Weird rite. tbh, actually I'm not that scared, but insecure with my weight and body. You know when you keep telling urself that you cant do those things because you're fat and you dont have the nice body shape to show and you will look ugly and people will laugh at you when you do those activities. and that's actually what I fear the most.
OK. Thats it for tonight. I dont check any grammar or typing error bcs wtv. Have a nice day!
POSTED BY Hafiezah ON Wednesday, 6 April 2016 @ 10:02